I’m going to tell you a little story. When I was about 10 years old, I discovered a show that blew me away. It was action packed, funny, and was very cliché but totally original at the same time. That show? Stargate SG-1. If you don’t know what that is, it’s about a group of people who belong to a secret government organization and go through a device called the Stargate, a portal that transports you to other worlds, and would explore the galaxy, plus meet some big baddies along the way. It’s basically like Star Trek, but with portals. The difference was that it took place in modern times, the characters were deep and quirky (thank you Richard Dean Anderson), they created some badass villains based on mythology (as well as some equally badass allies), most of the storylines were adventurous, interesting and thrilling and in almost every episode they got into a situation you just had to see them get out of. Bottom line: It was fun Fun FUN!!!

Then they announced that there was going to be a spinoff series called Stargate Atlantis. I was terribly pissed with this. I’ve seen spinoff shows and movie sequels that just made the original look like a joke, (Dragon Heart 2 anyone?) and this happening to Stargate made me rage inside. Despite this, I still watched the two hour premier with the sentiment that I was going to hate this show.

I found God that day.

This. Show. Was. Awesome! It was everything Stargate SG-1 was! Not better, about the same, but it had its own uniqueness and it kept the essence of the original. It’s characters were pretty deep, just as enjoyable, and even more quirky (Mckay, oh how I love you! ). The antagonists in my opinion were incredibly interesting and added an ethical aspect to it. They were against the good guys because they needed to survive, unlike SG-1 antagonists who just wanted to take over the galaxy (Of Course!). Plus they were downright creepy. They didn’t borrow anything from mythology so much except Atlantis (coolest special effect ever) and pretty much made up their own and did a good job with it. But the most important thing is they kept the theme of exploration and overcoming the bad guys. Even though it declined in recent seasons, it still had enough spunk to go for a few more years, but then they cancelled it (Stargate Atlantis, five years is too young )

So after that tl;dr backstory, let’s move on to the main issue.

They announced that there would be another spinoff called Stargate Universe. Naturally, I was skeptical, and the trailers looked more like Battlestar Galactica than Stargate. But, remembering the Atlantis lesson, I still watched it.

What the fuck?

This…This was a monstrosity! A joke! A pile of shit someone ate and then shitted it back out again! I'm so enraged I can barely think straight!
So why is this an epic pile of shit? Oh, where to begin. Let’s start off with the characters, the fundamental key of this piece of fail. The best character in this series is an annoying video game nerd who got on the Stargate program because he solved a puzzle in a computer game (I know, just go with it ) This character is awesome compared to the other characters in this god awful show. The rest, oh how do I describe them? They’re emo. They have no separate personality traits and all have the same reactions to everything. It like an entire ship filled with Edward Cullen’s. Need I say more? Only two characters are interesting, the video game nerd Ely, and this character named Rush who has the potential to be interesting, but still mostly looks like Zelenka’s emo twin.

The next problem is simply this: THERE IS A SEX SCENE FOR NO LOGICAL REASON! Let me run that by you again: Two unnamable characters are having sex in a closet when their comrades are out on the main room dying of horrific wounds and they’re on a ship that could decompress and kill them any minute.
…
WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! What?! What?! WHAAAAAT?! That’s…that’s fucking insane! This scene makes no sense at all! It came completely out of nowhere in the most inappropriate time, and nobody ever speaks of it again!

BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!

Or rather, Big Lipped Alligator Sex Scene.

Let’s move on before I go completely insane.

I won’t talk about the plot, mostly because I was too busy swearing at the top of my lungs, but that’s not important. What’s important is that they changed the theme of Stargate completely. Stargate and Atlantis were always adventurous, serious with light-hearted humor, and always kept us interested with its characters and plot. And it was always about exploration. But not this time. This time, it was about survival. It’s completely dark and edgy, with no humor at all. I don’t mind when new ideas come in shows, but this does not work for Stargate. They tore out everything that was supposed to be the essence of Stargate, and modeled it into a pile of bullshit! It’s like if you gave Batman superpowers and then made him perfect in every way plus the ability to sparkle!

And where the hell are the ALIENS?! There are always new aliens in every Stargate premier! Instead I get an awkward video game nerd and an emo farm!

This isn’t Stargate Universe, this is Stargate What the Fuck Happened! Utter bullshit in its purist form, and I’m not even going to write about the other shit!

I still may watch it just to see if it gets any better, but only because Sanctuary comes on after it. I’ve pretty much lost hope.

Adios.